Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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