Your mouth is God's brothel.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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