I met the friendliest cop last night
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
