I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
