"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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