It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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