I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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