Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
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