I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
