I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize