go do what you do best...puke behind churches
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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