I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
