she woke up with a sticky ear
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Quick, to the slutcave!
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
