I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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