Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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