hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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