oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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