we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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