Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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