im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
