Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
