You just made me feel so damn special
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
