Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
