I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
