Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
