Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize