Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
we're making bets on your personal life
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
