I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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