The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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