Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Randomize
