i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
