ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
