Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
