Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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