I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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