You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
