i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
