i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize