I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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