my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This is classic penis vs brain.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
