I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize