Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
