Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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