this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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