you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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