I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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