Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Randomize
