its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
