Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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