My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
