My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
