I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize