Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
