1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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