I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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