I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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