I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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