I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Did I show you my penis last night?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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