I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
