Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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