The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
