his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize